Impending doom.

Once again assessment is looming so my procrastination tool is in the form of what has happened to me recently. And what is that you may ask? It may be perhaps to most a little known fact and one I infrequently divulge is that I have fallen in love once (or at least my sense of the term). Now its years on since that occasion and having never truly fallen out of it I mentioned this to the male companion and confidant in question.

Possibly the most difficult thing I have ever done, predominately due to the fact that it leaves one so vulnerable to hurt feelings, emotional scars and permanent memories. I thought that getting it out of my system would help me move on with the new male in my life because up until this point each male 'companion' in my life had been a disappointment in comparison and lacking the feelings I once felt.

I guess my greatest sense of loss that was with this situation it was out of anyone's control. The hardest part of all perhaps was that the feelings were mutual, at least in the sense of always have one part of ourselves reserved for that person. That little part of me that has been kept aside is full of our memories from happier times, full of laughter, dancing, singing, leisurely breakfasts, mix tapes, adventures, inebriated travels, photographs and late night conversations. That part of me will always belong to him and unlike others where I have managed to eject it from my system at least to the extent where I no longer think about it, this one stays with me.

That feeling that I once had attached to that person I doubt will ever go away. Moving past it is a lot more difficult then first thought, its not that I won't be completely blissfully happy with Mr Right Now but my attempts to get rid of the one that takes a part of me are going to continue to loom and I can't rush it away for a little while to be happy until the next period of singledoom.

I best be off as far too many assignments to complete but until next time,
much love,
xoxo

Yes, I do like indie and no I am not a snob/have no friends/slit my wrists

A fellow I once upon a time fancied and I would often have this conversation about our common love of music but one thing we never agreed upon is my love of 'depressing' music. This 'depressing' music is known by the many as alternative or indie music. They are depressing (yes I love joy division, yes it is depressing, yes ian curtis killed himself; I know I know I know) yet these songs make us feel connected to one another - when all appears to be falling apart (surely enough it happens a fair bit) somewhere out there someone else has felt those same emotions. A new love in your life that feels so familiar and safe? My favourite book. Just been dumped? Merry Happy. Moving on? Dog days. A relationship falling apart? Synchronized sinking. Feeling lost and just generally a bit down? Anything by Joy Division (or the cure or a million other indie bands). The thing is, yes, maybe the topics are depressing but aren't they realities of life? & shouldn't we have some kind of blanket to make us feel less alone. Some would argue its conformity but when you've made me feel less than I am worth then I want someone that just gets me and much of the time one of these artists has put pen to paper and turned it into a song. Yes, I do love a good beat and a fun song to let loose to but music is a wonderful form of therapy and has got me through some of the worst of times and provided me closure when they didn't or the sympathy from friends just wasn't enough. So for this I will always have a soft spot and a love of indie/alternative music and as much as I adore a good beat I will not turn my back on what has nursed me through tears, my wanting to punch you in the face and many other various emotions caused by all the people that float in and out of my life.



until next time,
much love xoxo

Well its almost been a month again and I thought it was time I updated you my dear blog about new bits and pieces and while I could so much has happened, new people, new pathways, major and minor events and one step closer to the end of the first year of my tertiary education. So instead of going into detail on all these little things I thought I'd send some lucksmiths love your way. This beautiful little Melbourne indie band is kinda great and this song is just the start synchronized sinking pulled a little at my heart strings I hope you heart it as much as I did.

You don't need to ask me twice
I'm not averse to giving advice
On a bar stool basis
Four o'clock sounds fine to me
I'll meet you at the library
There's privacy in public places
Oh, but, reader, heal thyself
Put the book back on the shelf
Something's obviously wrong
Your face is all day long
It was lovely when you laughed
Come on – please get it off your chest
It's a commonplace but I'd suggest
A problem shared is a problem halved
Kick a stone across the road
Explain or you'll explode


Until next time,
much love xoxo

Things I have learnt this last little while

So I haven't blogged in awhile but I thought I'd just do a little blog about things I've learnt in the last little while.




 Use a mirror when applying hair dye, patchy hair isn’t pretty
 Keep all your group certificates and other tax related gear together. Otherwise it is very painful to find when you go to do your tax.
 Invest in a large wardrobe. Opening the door to have clothes fall on you is no fun. I have not even tried to find things yet.
 Begin assignments in advance – trying to whip up 2000 words analysing research quickly is not easy.
 Bother to take care of yourself. Being sick just before exams suck.
 Do not become caffeine addicted or else waking up in the morning will become way too difficult.
 Do not flirt with a customer when your dad is standing at the door of your work. Sure, the guy may be cute but your dad picking on you on the car ride home and filling in the family is not enjoyable.
 Sit next to people that are quiet in lectures or print off the lecture slides otherwise, you will struggle during class.
 If you start comparing every scenario you get involved in to that of something in a film people maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay begin to worry. (the same goes for if you find yourself saying things like ‘ooo it had a really good rape scene'... you should also be concerned)
 Pictochat in lectures is always a good idea.
 Having a sibling that can be tech support is also a good idea.
 Being a gen-Yer which is more or less tech illiterate is no fun.
 Going out every weekend prooooooobably is a bad idea. Having said this it is rather enjoyable and warrants approval.
 Apparently putting on depressing music at parties is socially unacceptable. (slightly more acceptable if you can get a friend to dance with you)
 Calling international appears just as expensive as leaving a voicemail.
 Idea for wasting phone credit/post paid cap: play a song into the phone. The worse song the better. Never gonna give you up or Lovefool are appropriate or perhaps something by Coolio may float your boat. Though if they are actually a friend a good song is always nice.
 When attaching sequins to shoes use the right kind of glue (PVA – bad idea).
 One can never have too many bags or shoes... until they start taking up most of the shoe cupboard and have to resort to stashing some in your work locker.
 Snowglobes are amazing.
 So are poptarts and crème brulee tea
 & The perks of being a wallflower
 & BIFF
 & university life
 & The Garage
 & criminology
 It appears it is socially acceptable to slap strangers arses though I do not condone this behaviour.
 Lots of vodka and a 9am start is a bad idea
 Sitting between drunk friends in a lecture is funny though be prepared to listen to the podcast and read through the slides.
 People do not like it if you have more than one favourite.
 People will judge you by your celebrity free pass.
 What happened to all my female friends? Apparently I have more male ones?
 I will always have at least one band on my ipod that will offend someone.
 Transfer applications appear easier than you'd think.
 Job applications for tertiary institutions are daunting.
 Turning 18 hasn't had all that much of an impact though its nice to be an adult and have a say - especially as I am a tax payer now.
 Get organised early.
 Have an open mind.
 Second-hand books are better than new ones.
 Study using the right side of the brain.

until next time
much love xoxo

Epiphany

I had a large rant planned about realizing that I just keep running a way from everything, all the same shit, all the time every time I move and that when everyone is getting on with their lives I am stranded. At the end of the day all that it is is that I am waiting for a big fucking epiphany. Something that gives me some direction and the fact is I keep running a way in hope of finding it and this strategy just isn't working for me.

I guess I just had a shit day.

Until next time,
much love xoxo

The truth about males & females.

So my friends boyfriend always has a go at the fact I have male friends & one in particular. He always insists that he is either wants to have sex with me or must most definately be gay - essentially he does not believe males and females can't be just friends. Tonight he sent me a quote which made me giggle. It does ultimately have some truth.



DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.



until next time,
much love xoxo

From The Edge Of The Deep Green Sea - The Cure

Every time we do this I fall for her,
wave after wave after wave, it's all for her I know this can't be wrong I say
(and I’ll lie to keep her happy)as long as I know that you know
that today I belong, right here with you, right here with you...

and so we watch the sun come up from the edge of the deep green sea
and she listens like her head's on fire, like she wants to believe in me, so I try
put your hands in the sky, surrender, remember, we'll be here forever and we'll never say goodbye...

I’ve never been so colourfully-see-through-head before
I’ve never been so wonderfully-me-you-want-some-more
and all I want is to keep it like this you and me alone
a secret kiss and don't go home don't go away
don't let this end please stay not just for today

never never never never never let me go she says
hole me like this for a hundred thousand million days
but suddenly she slows and looks down at my breaking face, why do you cry? What did I say? But it's just rain I smile brushing my tears away...

I wish I could just stop, I know another moment will break my heart
too many tears, too many times, too many years I’ve cried over you

how much more can we use it up? Drink it dry? Take this drug?
Looking for something forever gone but something we will always want?

Why why why are you letting me go? she says, I feel you pulling back
I feel you changing shape... and just as I’m breaking free
she hangs herself in front of me,slips her dress like a flag to the floor
and hands in the sky, surrenders it all...

I wish I could just stop, I know another moment will break my heart
too many tears, too many times, too many years I’ve cried for you
it's always the same, wake up in the rain, head in pain, hung in shame
a different name, same old game, love in vain
and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles away from home again...

It was by chance that I picked up The Cure's album Wish ('92) and popped it into my cd player and let it run through and for some reason for a change I found myself really listening to the lyrics. There is something about this song that just felt so... the only word I can think of is profound. It just made me feel. I hope you listen to it and it moves you as much as it did me.